Yesterday I woke up worn out.
I've been struggling with my mental health recently. So normal days feel heavy and it's hard to shake that sour, disheartened feeling.
The day was a half-hearted fight against the automatic negativity I was feeling.
Objectively, I saw so many little beautiful gifts God was giving.
Blaise was so happy and kept laughing and playing games and being silly. Shawna checked in gently throughout the day. At each point of the day, I had exactly what I needed.
But I felt down.
I felt like I had nothing to offer.
I felt like all I wanted to do was shut down and check out.
There was one thought in particular that stuck with me during the day.
I was leading a call for Whole Human Challenge that evening. I was supposed to be guiding other people in their struggles, helping them to be more fully alive.
I felt like I was a fraud and a failure.
In the hour before the call, I brought this to God.
"Lord, I want these people to be fully alive. I want to be fully alive. But I can't do it. Lord, your grace is sufficient. Please flood this call with your grace. You are the life that we truly need. I trust you."
The call was beautiful. Praise God!
It wasn't that I just ignored the tough day and "got over it". Instead it was like the day was more fully revealed to me.
I could see deeper truth and mystery within the day, rather than just wallowing in my emotional haze. The emotions and exhaustion were still a part of the day, but they weren't everything.
Reflecting later, I realized that I don't need to be qualified to testify to the truth.
I don't need to feel right or have tons of energy for the truth to be true, beautiful, and powerful.
Testifying to the truth carries it's own power, and that power is not my own.
When I am testifying to the truth, it is the truth that is the final word, not me.
I may be small and weak, but that doesn't diminish the truth.
Let's be Saints!
Isaac