Hope is hard for me.
More accurately, stable hope is hard for me.
I can often get enthusiastic and hopeful, but my hope is usually limited by my pride.
If I can see a way forward or can think up a positive outcome, then I feel hopeful. But if I feel stuck, helpless, and lost, I despair.
Just yesterday I found myself wrestling with this despair.
One of my closest relationships has been suffering for a while now.
Where there was once so much joy and connection, there now seems only to be a careful cease fire.
I so deeply want this relationship to grow and flourish again, but none of my strategies work (mostly they backfire).
I hate it! I hate living the relationship this way.
So I get stuck between rebellion and quiet despair. I can't fully give up, but I can't seem to do anything either.
I am so sad and so lost. Yet...
God is here. I know it.
"Where there seems to be nothing but failures, sorrow, and defeat, there is the full power of God’s boundless love" (Pope Benedict XVI)
My God is here!
But instead of giving me better ideas and strategies, He is just inviting me belong to Him, to be His scared, sad, lost, little child, to cast myself recklessly into His strong arms.
He won't tell me what He's going to do, but when I'm up close to His heart, I can feel His joy.
He has not forgotten about me or my friend. He knows us so profoundly, and He is close.
Looking to my God, I am moved from despair to curiosity.
I cannot trust my own strength, but I can trust His faithfulness.
What will you do, Lord? What has your untamed creativity thought of for us?
I know you cannot resist healing your little ones who trust in you!
When I keep my eyes locked on Him, even though the ache remains, I feel joy already swelling in my heart.
So here is my prayer of hope:
"O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything" (Fr. Dolindo Ruotolo).
Let's be Saints!
Isaac